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Today, 12:27 pm
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beam in the eye
Continuing from a post in Social Justice regarding possible weakness
of the Catholic Church in the Philly area, due to scandals there, I look
at this from a selfish point of view, as I was driven for along time
toward Catholicism by the strength of the Church in my area of So. Fla.,
especially the diocesan broadcast ministry there.
I am now in a heavily Lutheran area with a New Living Translation based radio station only, nothing else Christian on the area. I have finally turned it off. The local Catholic Churches seem extremely lackluster and my contact with Catholic Charities for Project Rachel counseling turned negative, it was helpful with regard to the issue but negative with regard to faith. I am writing a terrible blog where I find myself creating my own "faith" in the absence of any trustworthy local source--and also saying the most unmentionable things, about myself, my family, my past. I asked the blog site to help me stop, and they tried, but I keep blogging. I am alone here post-divorce with my son living with my aging parents nearby, having just moved from S. Fla. and in the most unspeakable warfare over old family conflict. I can't admit on my blog site that the beam in the eye is my own, for my father would jump down my throat and carry me off into his anti-Catholic atheism, a rebellion he can't seem to give up. My mother keeps the conflict going, for example, right now I am resisting the temptation to eat chocolate mints, she knows my weight is a hot-button issue for me and is using the power of suggestion, it's a domination thing, my family is not well. I am not well. Catholicism was my last stand against them and without it I am failing both with them and with basic morality, for they are liberal and permissive British transplants to the U.S. and I fell off the apple cart at a young age...long story... which I keep telling in my blog. They destroyed my marriage and now they have my child. They destroyed my motherhood. They delight in bashing all religion, especially to me, my father comes up with things like "veritism", a term he invented on the spot to throw at me when I last walked in their door; he then proceeded to look it up online and found that somebody had already used the term but promised me a five page paper to describe his (ridiculous) views. I feel so frustrated and I am definitely losing ground, I am physically challenged by my disability and it would be hard under the best circumstances to try to find my way into a church that would accept me. Without one, I am definitely falling, falling....I don't even dare point you to my blog, it has just gotten so bad, but it was a valid part of honestly engendered efforts at one time, I don't know how to stop and would lose the battle for my integrity if I did, but I also am losing it by continuing. I talk a lot in my blog about a voice I attend that guides me which I believe to be the Lord speaking in some way, but with everything but this all gone I am afraid to trust it. Any advice? 
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